echolalalia: it was like trying to think in reverse

I did something I shouldn't have...
but in turn found out that you did something that makes my fucking head explode with anger toward both of you

If you want me, in the way you say you want me
Then THAT is not alright, he called you a fucking whore and everything is lol this and lol that??
What the fuck?

I'm in the wrong and for that I'm sorry, but what the fuck?
Just tell me you still wanna be friends with him,
And I'll walk away!
If he makes you happy or you NEED him in your life or you NEED to have some kind of contact with him, you should tell me now so I can pack up my shit and get going.

(This is why I shouldn't have done what I had done, but something in my stomach the other day told me something was up)
My head is going fucking insane now!
Yes I'm sensitive,
Yes I'm insecure,
So stop fucking playing on those aspects pleeeeeeeease.

He called you a fucking whore!
What am I missing, how is everything hunky dory?

You know what, I honestly don't know what it is, but once I'm in the mood its hard to get me out!

I don't know what it is, maybe its because I'm not over hating myself yet, its been 26 years and that is a hard thing to change when (some of the most) important people in your life don't help, or still make you believe that you should feel otherwise. When all you know is how to treat yourself with less respect than everyone else its hard to fathom anything else.
When you are dating someone that wants to get you out of the habit, its even hard to act like you like yourself.

I act like this for attention and to be honest that's all I want. And it irks me that you don't seem to care, you know what you probably do and I'm not noticing or you have a weird way of showing it!!
(Or maybe I'm not used to it yet)

Fuck!!!!
I wish I was able to just separate every fucking little thing!
What is wrong with me, why do I always persist to fuck ALL things up? And why can't I just get my head around how easy it is to (maybe) stop that!

You like me? Check
You want me? Check
You asked me to live with you? Check

What's the fucking problem, why does everything have to make you like a jealous little school boy?
Get over it you little dumb fuck.
Or else kiss her ass goodbye

Just so you know this:

Leaving you alone is really hard for me to do!


(I know you didn't ask me to, but I'm really kinda just trying it for myself to see if its do-able, and although it is....its really fucking hard.)

didn't selling vaccuums teach you anything?
or just how to suck more?



by the way, you look beautiful
and stunning
and perfect
and gorgeous
and radiant,
but you'll only notice the spelling mistakes.

look at my $10 suit
look at my $6 haircut
look at my minimum wage job
look at my million dollar smile

and ask me if i'm happy

When you know you're trying to fit into a league that you're not suppose to be in
how do you overcome?
when the class that surrounds you isn't one that you're used to and you know it what can you do?
people around you are talking golf games, strip clubs and you no nothing of them, do you nod and (fake) smile?
when you know you're not doing well at your job and you know that other people know and you don't think that they know that you know, do you look for other jobs on your computer?
do you look for jobs that are paying more then $10 a hour and do you even know if you would be qualified for those jobs?
questions just floating around in my head.
i need a job where there is no pressure and no commission, so my paycheck isn't flutuating in the manner it is now, i would like a job that doesn't pay me just what i need to cover rent for the month, in all honesty i would like to be good at this job, but when you lack confidence and you can't just go to the store and buy a 12 pack of it, you stay stunted in that little zone.
you can try and blame it on customers not coming into the store, or customers not wanting or being ready to buy....
but when it all comes down to it all the things have in common is you and your lack of ability.
how do i change that? is there a book, moreso a manual that will help me with my issues?
and if so is it titled "Grin & Bare It"?

i think they'll fire me soon enough,which will be a sad way to go out
but it'll be for the best and it will prove how right about myself i am.

now all i need to (try and) do before that happens is save for broadcasting school

and it's a down day today, when it started off so up
and i find myself (yet again) doing the one thing i shouldn't be doing
(and i hate the term blogging, but that's what i'm doing)
in all honesty i should be seeing a therapist or something, but maybe because i can't afford it i tend to be finding myself here more often then not
it seems i've strayed away from opening my lyric book and writing whimsical little stories that i deem worthy of being songs (or whatever you want to call them, poem, words, shit)

a co-worker told me he thinks i'm bi-polar and i couldn't agree more, to the point where i even looked it up on wikipedia to find out more about exactly what it is...
and this stuck out like a sore thumb:
"There have been repeated findings that between a third and a half of adults diagnosed with bipolar disorder report traumatic/abusive experiences in childhood"
i think that applies to me, but not really a good basis for if i have it (bi-polar) or not
i just seem to be so fuckin' up and down (mood wise) it's scary
when i'm high, i'm high
but when i'm down, i just - i'm so far down

and then i sit here and complain about it to this little blank white box
hoping it will give me some reassurance that things are ok, or going to be ok

my head is not in the game
i'm selling cars, which i don't think i'm good at
i'm never here (at work) 100%
and that would be why i'm not selling
i can't push people
and i don't know why, people push me all the fuckin' time and i let them get away with it
why do i let customers sit here and pull information out of me, giving them everything they want and then accept that they are not buying (or will just go somewhere else and buy) after they've spent an hour and a half with me
why do i constantly accept the praise of how helpful i am towards people (customers) but lack the ability to be able to push them into buying from me
i've had sooooooo many people tell me how damn great i am, but go somewhere else to buy
what am i doing wrong?
and can it be changed once i found out what it is?
or is it just one of those things, ya know? people can't change and i won't be able to change that part of me that seems to fail as badly as i do!

how does one step outside what they are to have a look at their own faults and try to correct them
and is there a way to do it without having to ask someone else for help?

blerg!

what do i do
do i set out to change that that i don't know?
do i ask for help?
do i turn into some selling monster machine that has no regard for the people i'm trying to sell to and make it all about the money (and can i manage to do that, through some kind of change that i'm not familiar with yet)
will this be something that i just look back on as a bad day, just because at this second (or moment) in time i'm not happy?
or is this all apart of the downward spiral?
i need to get out of my shell
but i need to be coaxed out
let me know if you have something enticing

gavin

i don't care that i can't afford food
i don't care about the rip in my suit
i don't care that i haven't sold a car in a while
i don't care about your recent activites
i don't care that i only have three different shirt and tie combinations
i don't care if i have one foot in the hole
i don't care that there is no credit
i don't care that you might know something
i don't care that you think you know something
i don't care that it's March and i haven't picked up a guitar
i don't care if you don't wanna like me
i don't care that i haven't written in a while
i don't care if you want to know how i'm doing
i don't care if we never have the conversation
i don't care that all other people wanna do is dance and i don't know the dance moves
i don't care that i don't seem happy
i don't care that i might seem happy
i don't care to show you my cards
i don't care if i'm behind the eight ball
i don't care that you haven't asked me to do something with you
i don't care about the looks i'm getting
i don't care if you don't read this
i don't care if you do read this
i don't care that i'm not caring
i don't care that my ears are burning
i don't care if you all want explainations

i care...
i do care...
i care about me, right now - this instance.

when does the madness stop?
the madness in your head!

when do you stop thinking (and then writing)?
am i doing it for comfort or reflection?

recalling (in writing) everytime i go insane or jump off the deep end
am i helping myself, am i helping you?

or am i just some emotional freak with a condition....

You know what's nice? Fucking
Fucking is nice.....
But fucking yourself isn't always that fun, and that's what I seem to be doing. For some strange reason I must seem to like it, because I do it so often. Putting myself in positoins where I'm going to have a hard time, do I do it to get depressed, do I do it to see if I can thrive in the situation, do I do it to see if I can grow, do I do it because I think I need a challange....why, why do I do it?
Making my brain churn and churn until my stomache starts doing the same thing. I can't even think straight right now. Do I want to scrape by? Or do I want to excel?

Well obviously excel!!!! But can I do that, do I have enough faith in myself to do that.
Because I'm an athiest am I lacking faith, or should I just blame my parents for my lack of self confidence?
Where is that school, where is the teacher to show me the way?
What on Earth is wrong with me and how do I fix it?
I don't think I can do this week to week!

do you know how incompetent i feel
with never hands behind the wheel
a fight in which silence isn't golden
teeth piercing through the tongue they're holdin'
outfitted with attitude like my father before me
emotions bottled like a ship at sea

acting like i don't need to hear your voice
anger makes another bad choice
walking up to the steps of my home
as you drive back in your car alone
cold of the room as frustration takes hold
feeling like our argument is getting old

watching as my phone stops to ring
doing some kind of ignoring you thing....

fuck

i'm acting like a jerk and i'm doing it on purpose, just (in some stupid way) to show you how upset i am
i don't think you are a bitch and you wouldn't believe how much i love you, but sometimes we both just act so stupid that i think we both fall into the trap of...
i don't even fucking know
i'm sorry i didn't say a word to you on the way home, that was very mean of me
i'm sorry that sometimes i still act like a child
i'm sorry that sometimes i don't know when or how to apologise
i'm sorry that i didn't answer your call, because i didn't know what to say
i love you
thats all i would know to say

i'm pretty sure that's all that matters though

five year plan
five year plan
five year plan
five year plan
five year plan
five year plan

those words swam around my head the other night, as if that were all i dreamt
no actual dreaming, just those recurring words splashing around

five year plan
five year plan
five year plan
five year plan
five year plan

and maybe at 25 years of age it's something i seriously need to consider
moving forward towards a career that i can excel at
something that will allow me to put my kids through college
something that will allow me to buy a house and live the life i've always wanted
it's time to get over the child that still lives within me
although it's fun to have a laugh every now and then, that's not what life is about
it's time to have a look at ones self and move on and up from being the person that people see me as
no more being the obnoxious/constantly wanting to be the centre of attention/pouty/try hard/unserious/wrapped up in himself/idiotic/unindependant/child like/stupid/victim/self loathing/over-thinking/self obsessed/scared/doormat/wannabe/dumb/fat person that i've become

no more jumping into conversations i know nothing about, just to look like one of the cool kids
stopping the constant need to have people paying attention to me
not always having to be the class clown or fun one at the party
time to get over having to always being in control of the music or making "mixed" cd's
making friends with myself and encouraging myself to grow up and become an adult and leave the 11 to 19 year old child behind
time to take control and become a person people actually want to be friends with, someone i'd actually want to be friends with
time to shave
time to have breakfast (before i leave the house) in the morning
time to prove myself (to me)
maybe even time to get out of the depressed states that i drag myself into, just to convince myself i might be bi-polar
time to get a health care card, so i can go to the doctors for the first time in like 6 years - (time to find out what's wrong with me)
time to create my own routine
time to make a plan
time to make time
time to make people not feel obligated
time to save
time to create
maybe even time to cry
time to make it not so hard for myself
time to talk to your mom
time to call mine
time to write/to express/to realise
time to sit back a look at who i am being for others and not for myself
time to put one foot in front of the other
time to keep personal and work seperate
time to get things done.....

time to shave


time to rock the 'stache





edit: yesterday the receptionist at work added me to facebook and was looking at my photos, she commented "you love yourself, huh?"
due to all my profile pics (having photobooth on a mac will do that to you)
and i realised she couldn't be further from the truth...
maybe it's time to change that.

and after (more than) a month to let myself settle
nothing really brews to the surface
surrounded by familiar things
a cheap cell phone, a water bottle and a packet of all dressed ruffles
it feels like i never left
and right now it's the first time i've felt that

because i'm so convincing (to myself) with my lack of fortune
i did leave
and i was missed
and i missed
21 months i left this great country for
to be kicked, trodden down, punched in the face, ripped off
yelled at, fired from, hired at, broken down
and that life didn't feel good
australia pulled a lot of life out of me
i won't let that happen here
even on a rainy day like today, concealing myself in a lonely attic

i'm back
canada, i'm back!
let's move forward together
let's grow together
it's time.

world...

another lonely public transport night, head ablaze again
earlier this morning it was a bad day
and i took that out on someone that didn't deserve it.

i'm the kind of person that treats only people close to me like shit
instead of talking out loud and rationally about it
i like to jump into the deep end by myself and paddle until i can't paddle anymore.

i like to push people away
something in me tells me it's a brilliant thing to do
but only to later find out that it leaves me alone and scared
and i need to stop doing it
but i don't know how
can i just write it here and it'll happen
or do i need to put it under my pillow and tomorrow it'll all be changed?

i'm sorry
i don't mean to be like that
i don't know why i do it
i don't know why you get the brunt
i'm in bed and you have my number


i felt like shit all day
i never mean to make you feel like shit
so it serves me right

you know me inside and out
and i was set off today
i'm too proud to admit when i need help
and i hate that you know i do
(which is my own fault, for telling you)
(but who else would i tell?)
and of all things to be too proud about
money is my downfall
i know how to manage it
i just haven't been
because i have debts,
because i have to eat,
because i have room mates who flat out fuckin' refuse to understand that i have lack of funds,
because no one taught me how,
because i suck.
thank you for your offer,
i need to take you up on it
and i'm sorry i didn't
but i hate accepting money
but moreso from you
because i'm supposed to be taking care of you
it was never meant to be this wrong way 'round
i feel like i've failed you
i feel like i can't take care of you
i feel like i'm a burden to you
i feel like a child sometimes
i'll buy you pretty things, i promise
i promise
(pretty things)


some people love to drink their troubles away....
i wish my troubles would drink me away.
it seems lately i'm more my troubles then i am me
lately i don't know who i am,
lately all i've felt like is a failure
and
i hate it.

a smile on my face the other day, because of a credit card munkee
a little bit of joy that stems from possibly being able to leave here
to leave here
oh to leave here.

and all this failness
with a boy who loves to dream
high.
i dream of being a great radio announcer
i dream of being a music producer
i dream of great things for myself
only to realise i'm still on the bus.

where's my therapist?
where is my doctor?
do i need pills?
do i need whiskey to start fueling my complaints?
i'm not happy
i'm not happy
i'm not happy
I'M NOT HAPPY
I'M NOT HAPPY
I'M NOT FUCKING HAPPY




[p dot s dot - my haircut reminds me of how ugly my face is]





hello?

why do all the best thoughts come when you're on public transport?
as much as i still there stewing in some kind of loathing, killing machine , hatred monger mode, what i think could be my best writing goes to waste on the tiny brain space i have left to fill up the air and leap out the door as soon as we hit the next train station.
perhaps it was just the nine inch nails i was listening to, but it all came together so well today. thoughts swimming in a sea of self mutilation and profanity.
as i sit there and mouth the words to "my violent heart" as passengers look on all i could think about was the knife being my forearms best friend, smiling the whole way down.
i feel like i'm on a treadmill of late, walking/running/jogging and not getting anywhere, usually i'm on that treadmill and something is on the other side of it, you know. like a reward of some sort....but now i'm just running and there's a wall in front of me, and not just a wall but a wall with graffiti on it, graffiti that puts me down.
it seems so weird but it's starting to hit close to home now, especially when i come home to find little marks of black spray paint on my room mates hands. the position i'm in at this point in my life (yes, right now, this second) is not a good one and i'm getting to the point where soon enough i'll go crashing through that wall just like they want me to. i'm so close that my shoe is kicking the wall almost with every step i take. i'm at that point where i know i'm going to throw up because my body can't keep doing it (running and getting nowhere.)

"i never meant to give you mushrooms girl, i never meant to bring you to my world, but now your sitting in the corner crying, and now it's my fault- my fault"

and as much as i can sit hit here and blame others, it all falls on me
i don't have a car and that's my fault
i'm not in canada and that's my fault
i'm in debt and that's my fault
i'm fatter then i want to be and that's my fault
i have self image problems and that's my fault
i'm not good at any job i've had and that's my fault
i'm not a good friend and that's my fault
i'm not a good son and that's my fault
i'm not a good boyfriend and that's my fault
i get home at times that i wish had been earlier and that's my fault
i feel sick and that's my fault
i complain and that's my fault
i'm a failure and that's my fault
i feel unloved and that's my fault
i haven't broken down and that's my fault
i put up with your shit and that's my fault
i haven't grown up and that's my fault
i still bite my nails and that's my fault
i can't write music and that's my fault
i don't have my dream job and that's my fault
i'm not fit and that's my fault
i'm me...
and that's my fault.

maybe i should take a page out of my room mates book and just laugh at myself,
it must be so nice to be able to sit there and poke fun of me for being poor,
it must just feel so great for them not to be me,
it must be fun to make fun of how stupid i am,
it must be fun to poke fun at how i can't have an intellectual conversation,
it must be fun to point out my mistakes,
it must be fun to put me down.
they seem to have such a big smile, so it has to be fun right? to not be me.

"there’s a big a big hard sun beating on the big people in the big hard world"

do i sit and drown in a pool of self pity
or do i stand up and do something about it
or do i realise what kind of person i am
i'm treated this way for a reason...
if the shoe fits

that way the knife doesn't hurt
whether it's in your back
or being dragged down your thigh
(with or without the fake smile)
you'll always bleed the same blood

it's sometimes nice to walk the streets at night
it's sometimes nice to listen to sarah blasko all day
it's sometimes nice hear the white noise silence
it's sometimes nice to watch tv shows on your iPod classic on the walk home
it's sometimes nice to stand out front of the house listening to your roommates bitching about you before you walk in
it's sometimes nice to be able to retaliate
it's better not to....

and aren't we all better for it?
or do you just wanna see that person get what's coming to them?

today halfway through my (late) journey home, (i left work later after selling a computer just before i walked out the door) i actually laughed out loud on the train, i realised i had 'arrested development ' on my iPod, so when Blasko was done, i put on some episodes of season three i hadn't seen yet, lauged my ass off all the way from Central to Rothwell (all the way to the door, where i heard bitchin'.) Made my 8:30pm home arrival not seem that late, which in other other case would make me write an entry where i bitched and moaned all entry about how i hating transport taking 3 hours to get me home....i actually enjoyed my ride home.
Astounding, i know.

it's sometimes nice to not be out of the skin you feel you're stuck in

what could be better than a night to one's self, nothing to complain about...no room mates home, no one stabbing knives into and leaving disgusting bits of 3 day old toast and other inedible bits of food in my margarine (yes, i'm looking at you Pierson.)
queens of the stone age blaring, a bottle of fresh cold water and a cool breeze.

how was your day?

it's 8:32pm and i walk in the front door

fuck brisbane transport!!!!!!!!!!!

i usually leave work just a little before 5:20pm, to catch the 5:20pm bus to the city, to get the 5:40pm train from the city to Carsledine to meet Nathan there at around 6ish who will drive both of us home to get home by 6:30pm (or there abouts) and then everyone is happy.

*cough cough* not me....

i left work at 5:17pm walked 3 minutes to the bus station only to watch the 5:20pm bus leave without me on it, i sit and wait for the 5:30pm (one bus every 10 minutes, which isn't that bad.) It take at least 10 minutes for everyone to board the bus, then traffic is another 20 minutes (fuckin' rush hour traffic!!!) We arrive in the city about 15/20 minutes later then we should have (which means i've now missed my 5:40pm train, which would stil get me to Carsledine at 6ish.) I walk to the train station (which is another 10 minutes) to find the next train leaves at 6:38pm (it's now just hit 6, so i have to wait around for nearly 40 minutes.)
Train arrives, and i'm getting angrier by the minute. it takes 39 minutes to get to my station (not Carsledine because Nathan isn't gonna wait around an hour for me to get there.) 7:19pm i arrive at Petrie station, to find that the next bus (that i have to catch) isn't there until 7:47pm....
i sit, i wait, i listen to my iPod which is ironically shuffling the most depressing/lonely music possible. 7:47pm rolls by and no bus...for another 6 minutes.
I get to my stop at 8:10pm and walk home.

(did i mention it's been raining since i left work???)

it's 8:32pm and i walk in the front door

FUCK BRISBANE TRANSPORT!!!!!!!!!!!

it should not take a guy who lives about 45/50 minutes away, 3 fuckin' hours to get home! I could've been home at 6:30pm if that bus had stayed an extra minute, or if i had gotten there 2 minutes earlier....
see what an impact 10 minutes has on you,
THREE FUCKIN' HOURS LATER!!!!!!!!



(cunts)

i personally think i'm fair from insensitive
and i hate that you think that
i was in the wrong and i've flat out admitted that (cause i was, there's no denying)
but how long are you gonna keep going with that, that's my only question
i've done everything else you've asked
and on my way to a job interview you throw that in my face?
was it out of spite, or fear?
because the fear is what you need to get over
and that is not insensitive
i'm just not gonna sit there and take it, if that's my "punishment" then there's no point me hanging around
you said you wanna work at it? then let's do that
by never mentioning that ever again
clean slate

i'm 25 this year
i don't wanna be hearing about that for another 25, that's all
i'm honestly not trying to be mean
in fact sometime i think you are
i want my trust back, how do i do that?
or is it just never gonna happen?

the room grows hot, although the fan is on...

i need a job within the week or else i am fucked, my world is slowly crashing down around me and i'm kinda just watching it fall
shrapnel narrowly scraping by my legs as i look up at it, i need to backpay rent, i need to backpay the back (collectively look at a grand) and that's before i can even think about saving money to leave this stranglehold of a fucking town that always fucking does this to me
i'm stuck here
i won't be leaving anytime soon, my birthday will come and go before i set foot on a tarmac
i'm gonna be older then 25 before my real life begins
you left
so i don't think you understand, what trouble i am in with myself
my fingernails don't exist just like my money, my bed is unmade just like my hair
i need a council for i am stuck
i'm not the person i wanted to be
i'm not even close
maybe i should end it
but that's just cause it's easy.....
and easy is what i can stand right now, because you know what...hard gets you fucking no where

[actually i lie, hard gets you to Rothwell]